Apocalypse Now?

Hello Mind Readers,

Do you ever just feel anxious and you're not sure why? I'm sure it is just because I am the verge of some sort of greatness. On the other hand I can't help to think that it is because of the impending apocalypse. In reality, I take 2012 less seriously than the guy who was bumping NWA (Gangsta Rap for the gringos) in his car right before renting Puss n' Boots from the RedBox. Regardless of when the end of the world will be, it is still interesting to ponder.

Zombies apocalypse is at the top for ways I wish the world would/would't end. I had really vivid and horrifying dreams last night. Probably because I ate Flamin' Hot Cheetos and read Graphic Zombie Novels right before bed. (Don't get me started on the night I ate a ghost pepper and watched a documentary on the Wizard of Oz's Lollypop Guild. Lollypop Guild Video.) I like to think that if I was in a Zombie apocalypse situation, I would be the strong composed leader. Then I remembered I can't even walk up a dark staircase without thinking I'm about to get murdered by baby demons. I'm just not the cool composed type. Once I was snorkeling alone. All of a sudden, I saw this huge white creature following me closer then Justin Bieber groupie. After several minutes of panicked swimming and a snorkel full of water, I realized that the creature had been my knee. Yes, my knee. Please keep that between us. Along those same lines, I'm not really a fighter. In seventh grade I told a kid, "I have a match, my rear-end and your face!" He promptly punched me directly in the mouth. I instantly apologized: Hoping that would be the one and only time that I experienced fist to cranium contact. I have always been more of a smooth talker: A lover not a fighter. Unfortunately, zombies can not be intimidated or reasoned with. "Look bro you just don't want to do this. Don't come at me like that. My dad is a well know lawyer. Biting me repeatedly in the neck is the last thing you want to do." This type Daun Juan tomfoolery just does not work with Zombies.

From my last post you can see my hobbies will lead me to a life of solitude. I would loath being the last person on earth though. (Unless I was the last male on earth. All right, high fiving time.) It reminds me of the Twilight Zone story where the man is the last living soul. He has a plan to read peacefully for the rest of his existence. Unfortunately for him, like most losers who enjoy reading, he wears glasses. On like the first freaking day the dummy drops his glasses and they break. Lol (Thats why I thought myself to read braille.) He kind of deserved it though because he was way too excited to be the last person on earth. If I was the last person on earth, I would definitely pick a really cool hobby to impress the biddies. Oh wait... well at least I would pick something less lame then reading for eternity. A few things that come to mind include; crocheting teddy bear tea party scenes, becoming the ring master of a flea circus, or putting together a one-man reenactments of the musical Cats. (What, Meow?) It would also be kind of be cool to be the best in the world at everything. You could just grab a copy of Guinness Book of Word Records and cross every name out and replace it with your own. I've always wanted to be the Sexiest Man Alive, Ladies. Regardless, you would definitely have to do things you love to keep from going crazy. Screw it though, it would probably be more fun to be absolutely nuts. At least you would have some sort of Gollum vs Smeagol dynamic.

I sure don't hope or think that the world will end this year. It's not looking good though, Gigli 2, staring Snooki, has just started pre-production. Calm down, I am just kidding, can you imagine. What would you do if you were the last person on earth? Thanks for reading my Mind.

Where have I been?

Hello Mind Readers... I still think about you sometimes. Do I ever cross your mind? (Anytime Brian McKnight 1997) I am sure you are curious what I have been up to the past few months. Well lets get this started. This is my top five list of things I have not been doing, aside from writing in my blog.

1) Finding a girlfriend; My focus lately has really been more focused on my career. My career as a professional gamer. Believe it or not... being really good at SuperSmash Bros is not in most girls top ten desirable traits in the opposite sex. On the plus side I can beat DonkeyKong like 95% of the time with Kirby. Here is an example "Kirby team-up." In my quest to master retro video gamage, I have noticed that the worse the graphics, the more difficult the game. NES games are impossible, and do not get me started on Atari. It is more difficult for a man to beat the original NBA Jam then to open a cold jar of jam with wet hands. Honestly, when is the last time that Shawn Bradley stole the ball from Garry Payton and proceeded to hit the game winning three pointer? Never, that is when ladies, you know what I mean guys! (High Five) I finally remember why my childhood was so angry. #cheatingcomputers Let's get back to the original thought though. I have not been busy with a girlfriend, but it is so difficult to meet girls these days. The selection in my gaming man cave basement is very limited. In fact it is not existent. That is actually not funny at all:( I did try meeting a girl really hard yesterday. It was mostly a money decision. I figured if I started dating on February 29th I would only have to celebrate a anniversary once every four years. That would save me thousands on gifts over my lifetime so romantic.

2) Learning a second Language; Well that is not entirely true. I have been picking up key phrases in ordering food burritos. (Mostly from old Taco Bell commercials "Yo Quiero Taco Bell!") I love going to one of the Tri-Cites finest dining establishments Roberto's. While ordering I always end with "Gracias mi amor." Which according to my spanish speaking friends ruffly translates to "I appreciate your work, and thank you for taking my order." The lady behind the counter keeps calling me a "Gringo" which if I'm translating that correctly means "You're welcome sweetie." I'm not going to brag, but I'm quite the charmer with the Latinas. I compare myself to a white Ricky Martin or something.He seems to be pretty good with the ladies anyway. After all I am "Livin la Bebier's hot Coca."

3)Naked potato sack racing. (no photo)

4) Practicing internal medicine. Mostly because that would be highly illegal. However, I have mastered something nearly as difficult. I have become a helicopter pilot. Technically, they are miniature remote control helicopters. (I directed this movie with a british boy about it called "Flying Helis; And other Things that make me say Cheerio.") I know it isn't exactly as sexy as flying a real helicopter, but it is still pretty dangerous. If one of those blades hit you directly in the jugular, you probably would have a tiny bruise on your neck. Also, if selling cars doesn't pan-out, I can always get a seasonal job in the mall selling tiny aircrafts. Everything I do has purpose.

#cool

5) Doomsday Prepping. On the other hand, I have become a hoarder. I realize that my collections of belly button lint and cat hair will not getme very far in apocalypse, but who believes in that stuff. I mean I'm not crazy! Hahahah.

Thanks for reading my Mind, Readers. Hit me up, and share a few things you have not been doing during the long winter months.

JHarp out

Don't Ignore Me

Hello Mind Readers,

I have a beef with Facebook. Yeah I'm looking at you Zuckerberg you little punk. I am extremely annoyed that there is no unfriend request button. I really hate being rejected, but I hate being ignored even more. I feel the biggest internet diss of our time is requesting someones Facebook friendship only to be snubbed for five days. Lets be honest you saw my friend request. You have answered the question "What's on your mind?" 32 times. Its not even lunch. Not to mention, the whole Facebook universe knows that you had three bm's today. Now you are thinking about chili for dinner (Bad choice by the way.) You don't have to make me look like a donkey and leave me in digital limbo. This is why I have unfriend requested you, and yes I will leave you a message. " I am sending you this unfriend request because I know you are ignoring. I read your update about "having so much free time today." You are extremely rude, and I do not like it one bit. P.S. Congratulations on your new relationship with Phillipe."

Of course there are exceptions to every rule. All of these are examples of acceptable situations to ignore a friend requests: if it is a Myspace friend requests post 2005; if Larry King is trying to befriend you at any point; if your mom requests your friendship (at least for a few days until you set up your page to be mom friendly or hack her account and change her Facebook password); or if the guy who cut you in the lunch line on September 9th in third grade sends you a request with a message that says, "Whats up bro?" (Whats up now Timmy? No one makes me cry before lunch on Turkey Gravy day.) Other then that it is totally uncalled for because a digital representation of ones self has feelings too.

While I am on the subject of being ignored via technology, let me tell you about something else that really gets my goat. (What does that even mean? I don't even have a goat.) I hate when people do not respond to my texts in a timely manner. For example... August 15th 5:00 pm. Me: "Hey bro can I get a ride to the hospital? I just cut my had. I can see my bone. It is pretty bad. I think I might bleed out if I don't get help soon." August 15th 11:00 pm Bro: "Yeah Bro, be right there:)" or July 12th 8:00 am Me: "Hey buddy! My car just broke down I have an interview in an hour. Can you give me a ride?" July 15th 4:00 pm Buddy: "Sorry, man I'm busy." Ok maybe that was a little extreme. Actual situation, June 5th 1:00 am Me: " Bro!!! Chocolate or Vanilla?" June 5th 1:01 am Me: "????" June 5th 1:11 am Bro: " Chocolate I guess. I have to work at 7:00 am." June 5th 1:12 am Me: "Never mind they had swirl." Still, think about next time you don't text me back. That really hurts. If I don't text you though, I probably have a really good excuse so don't worry. It's not my fault you can't text and play Angry Birds at the same time.

Thank you MindReaders. Until next time...

JHarp

Superheros

Mind Readers...

In a world without Justice only one man can be bring Justice, JustinCe.

I have really been geeking out lately. I have been mildly obsessed with everything superhero (Don't judge me. I missed the part of my childhood where I liked awesome superheros; instead I was doing stuff like math and reading books. Lame.) Then "The Green Hornet" came out staring Seth Rogen. Yeah, the guy from "Knocked Up" and "Pineapple Express" who looks more like a guy who reads comics. (The only thing he is saving is a half eaten McNugget from the garbage can.) That was the day I decided if Seth Rogen can be a superhero, then I can be one too.

Clearly JustinCe is a legendary name. I just haven't decided what my super powers would be. So I have compiled a short list of skills. Skills, I already possess that would likely be heightened by radioactive exposure. (The senses to identify who farted in elevators " My farty senses are tingling." The power quickly put things in reverse alphabetical order. "Wait, Normal Alphabetical-Order man... Xylophone before Wyoming." The ability to awkwardly get in and out of small talk with women. "So you are from Texas? That explains a lot. I heard everything is bigger there?") Powers, check. Costume? This one time I fought "the man" by streaking through my college campus in a pair of Transformers Underoos (I was also wearing a mullet wig to conceal my identity, no joke.) Just like superheros some people loved me others hated me (They were literally throwing eggs at me.) All the while, I was trying to battle the injustice of finals as campus security was in hot pursuit, trying to bring me down. So I will model my costume after this event. It will consist of Underoos, a target on my chest for my arch nemesis Egg Guy, and a mullet wig to conceal my identity. Who knows farty senses might come in handy against Egg Guy?

What would your super hero name be? Super powers? What should mine be?

Thanks for reading and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

Artist rendition of JustinCe:

JHarp

The "New" New Year's Resolution

3- 2 - 1 Happy New Year Mind Readers!

Wait, what, we are going into the third week of January. The plan was to get this one out to you sooner, but like many New Year's Resolutions it was broken before it started. Luckily this is the perfect set-up for the subject of my new post. Thank you laziness.

If I would have stuck to all my New Year's resolutions, at this point in my life I would be living in Switzerland and dating International Supermodel Heidi Klum. My best selling autobiography "Justin-In-Time: Tales from the World's Most Interesting Man" would be the Time's Bestseller; JHarp and the Truth's album "Pick Up Your Mind because it was just Blown" would be triple platinum; and my invention the "Backwards Snuggie" aka "the robe" would be dominating infomercials. My other notable achievements would have included: Cover of Men's Health, GQ's Man of the Year, Designated Hitter for the Yankee's, and the guy who saved a baby monkey from a shark tank. Although theses dreams have not yet come true, I will still strenuously strive towards these goals. But, I will probably start on it tomorrow because I have like four seasons of "Dexter" to catch up on.

After many failed resolutions, I decided to shoot for the clouds this year and lower my standards of success. These are some sure-fire ways to achieve goals, and I encourage you to set new resolutions as well. For example, instead of getting a six-pack this year, I am going to try to eat less than a whole pizza on a Tuesdays. Instead of becoming an intellectual by reading all the classics, I will read an entire chapter book, this year (That doesn't feature the Berenstain Bears.) Instead of dating a super hot girlfriend, I might login to Match.com. Those are just a few great examples of goals I really think I can achieve. Lets be realistic I'm not going to become a Abercrombie model, but if I eat enough McNuggets "Plus Size Male Modle" isn't out of the question. I guess what I am really trying to say is don't be afraid to dream.

Thank you Mind Readers. It feels so good to be back. Let me know how your new resolutions go. One of my friends has already taken the lead. His goal is to move from the drive-through to the cash register. Thanks for reading and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

What do Bikini's and My Grandpa's Birthday Have in Common?

Hello Mind Readers, I miss you so bad sometimes it hurts. Sorry, about the delay in my post. It is a long story. Basically I was hiking in the Catskill Mountains, and I came across this strangely dressed man playing nine-pin. He gave me a drink of his liquor, and I settled down under a shady tree only to fall asleep. I woke up and I fond that I had a giant beard then I checked my blog and found that over a month had passed sense my last post. (Wait.. What, no I didn't realize that is what happened to Rip Van Winkle in Washington Irving's 1819 classic. No, I didn't realize that this was an abbreviated version of the abbreviation on the Rip Van Winkle Wikipedia page.) Thats awkward, well (changing the subject) here is what is on my mind.

Have you heard of Bikini Barista's? Basically what it is a Starbucks, but instead of a green Starbucks aprons the attendants wear bikinis. This is how an accidental near visit nearly ruined my life. To protect the innocent I'm not going to tell you the names of the people I was with, but I was with my parents. We were headed off on a trip to celebrate my Grandpa's birthday, and the driver needed a caffeine fix in order to make the long trip. I was minding my own business while engaged in a battle scene of "Eclipse" from the Twilight Epic when I noticed that the coffee sign had a proactively clad lady bumblebee. Then I had a couple uncomfortable ideas 1) Am I attracted to a bumblebee? 2) More importantly am I in the drive-through for a Bikini Barista with my family? I honestly couldn't see anyway how this situation could turn out well so I quickly alerted the family to our predicament. I thought that as soon as I mentioned the uncomfortable situation my family blush and zip out of the drive-through without a second thought. This was not the case.

My parents sat their for a few minutes debating if we should stay in line. They said we were already running late and already waited in line for a few minutes. The fam was actually considering going through with this regardless of a free show. I did some quick thinking and made up a story about how this type of thing could scar a guy for life, and told them they probably wouldn't ever have any grandchildren if we didn't 86 this shop. Luckily, my Mom wants grandchildren so she bought my story and we headed to Starbucks.

The drive-through was packed so we decided to go inside. I didn't want anything because on long family car-rides coffee gives me the jitters and I get irritated easily. Come to think of it I'm not sure it's actually the coffee. ( I know what your thinking try 5 Hour Energy, but I can't drink that because I hate peeing my pants. That poison should be sold as diuretic. One time I drank one and instantly started peeing luckily in the bathroom, and as I was washing my hands I already had to pee again.) Back to Starbucks so, I sat down on one of the heavily used couches (did they steal those from under a homeless person), put on my new glasses, and picked up the nearest loose piece of newspaper. I noticed a very attractive and familiar girl walking towards me. A former crush, walked up to me and said, " Hey, Justin how are you? I like your new glasses they make you look very intelligent." I was taken off guard so in a goofy voice I replied, "Danks. I good." After my smooth response we simultaneously realized that I was reading the comic section and it was upside-down. I wasn't sure, but as she walked away I doubted that she still thought my glasses made me look intelligent. Special, but not intelligent. At least I didn't have a six hour car ride ahead of me to think about why a former crush would always be just that a former crush. We finally made it to my Grandpa's house and explained our adventure at the Bikini Coffee Shop and why we were nearly an hour late. His response, "Did you remember the shops address so you can go back later?"

Well thanks for reading again Mind Readers, and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

If this is Sight... I rather be blind.

Yo Yo Yo... Mind Reader, Pon De River (Jamaican accent with Reggi music in the background) That probably won't be as funny to you as it was to me because you can't actually hear it. Isn't hearing amazing certain sounds can just make you laugh like a toot or a Justin Bieber song (yeah thats right I said toot.) Then we have smell which can be a good or bad thing much like all the other senses. One of smells lowest points was in Michale Todd Jr's 1960 "classic" "Scent of Mystery" a Smell-O-Vision classic. Yeah Smell-O-Vision was a real thing at one point Google it. It didn't really take off though because they mixed up the scent of the comedic bathroom scene with scent for the scene of the first kiss. Yeah it was bad at least it wasn't Taste-O-Vision.

Well speaking of senses I want to talk about my favorite sense, sight. Sight can be a double edged sword. Sight has blessed me with images like a beautiful girls face and exotic sunsets. Sight has also scared me with images of a fat guys harry plumber's butt and public park restroom stalls (I cleaned bathrooms one summer.) Overall, I would have to say that the benefits of sight far outweigh the disadvantages of sightlessness. Apparently most people tend to agree because there are these very scary doctors who dedicate their lives to keeping people's eyes healthy. I recently went to the "eye doctor" and had no idea what discomforts were awaiting.

I arrived at the office and every one was suspiciously nice. The entire office was a vibrant white. Then the assistant called my name and "it" began. The reception room had all been a facade because the assistant led me to a dark torture chamber. She had me sit down and told me to look into a very complex looking machine. Suddenly, the machine shot air into my eye, and I fell out of my seat in fright. The lady did this about fifty times in each eye because "she couldn't get a good reading due to my extreme reactions." (I'm sure.) Even though I knew a tiny gale force winds was heading towards my eye, it made me jump every time (like the scene in "Mars Attacks" when you see Sarah Jessica Parkers face.) After further eye tortures, she led me into a room where the Optometrist would see me.

An balding middle aged man walked into the room and without saying anything started prodding at my eyes. Then he said, "My name is Ted, I work across the street at Jiffy Lube the doctor will see you soon." (Just kidding that didn't happen, but that is the only way things could have been worse.) He actually said, "Can I dilate your pupils?" I agreed and as the doctor was putting drops in my eye he said, "You don't have to do anything for a few hours right?" Thats when I had a miny panic attack. What does that even mean? All he did was put a few eye drops in. No big deal right? Then I understood what he had meant as I was texting my Mom to let her know I was getting my eyes checked. When I received her response it resembled a blur. And yes I do mean it resembled a blur. My vision was so blurry that the blurryness was blurry.

Next, the doctor decided to shine concentrated sunlight into my extremely sensitive eyes. Once he had ran out of ways to make my eyes burn he said I was free to go. I don't know why I decided to drive home considering I was having trouble reading the "Exit" sign above the door. (B-@-L-T <-- dramatization of what the exit sign looked like.) As I walked out the door the receptionist handed me what looked like a fruit roll-up, and she told me to wear it because my eyes would be sensitive to the sun. This was an understatement. I instantly regretted my decision not to put on the fruit-snack shaped sunglasses until I got in my car. My eyes were burning so bad that I started crying tears of blood. I felt like one of the vampires from Twilight on a sunny day. My face must have looked like Renee Zellweger does whenever she smiles (talk about squinting.) Somehow in my Mr. Magoo like state, I made it home. Next time I will definitely have to consider if sight is worth it before going to the Tortraumatrist.

Good to see you again "Mind Readers," and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp