That is Awkward

HELLOOOO MIND READERS!! Good to see you again.

My life can be best described as a series of awkward moments with random events in the middle. Awkwardness is a state of mind. Once you believe that something is awkward it instantly evolves into a uncomfortable situation. Other people can make you feel awkward even if they don't realize it (like when an old lady farts next to you in the grocery store.) Yet some people just don't get embarrassed and that embarrasses me. For example the entire cast of the Jersey Shore. (That is officially the last time it is okay to use the Jersey Shore as an example. We get it they are ra-tards.) I get embarrassed easily. I think I am awkward therefore I am.

Today (two weeks ago when I started writing this) I had quite an awkward moment. I was driving down a busy road around lunchtime, and there was a shaker dancing on the corner. A "Shaker" is one of those guys who dresses up in a costume and holds a sign that says things like, "Mattress Muuunday Sale!!"or "Professional Bull Riding, This Saturday, Get Some. Don't be a Steer." (I have been on the Job boards lately, I applied to wear the Red Robin suit to promote their lunch specials. At tryouts I found that I am extremely claustrophobic.) Anyhow, I was passing by a tax preparation place and there was a "guy" dressed as the statue of liberty. I felt bad for the guy... for one second. But the guy started doing a little dance in my direction, and at the end he did a spin and gave me the suck-it motion. I knew he did it on purpose because he was looking deeply into my eyes as he hit either side of his crotchal region.

I couldn't believe my eyes, yet I knew that these transactions could not go unpunished. So I did what any other warm blooded American would have done. I gave him an emphatic middle finger. I instantly regretted this decision because as I gave him the bird the light changed to red. AWKWARD! I had to spend the next minute pretending like I had merely raised my finger to sooth a really bad knuckle itch. As his furious glare that was compounded by the frustration of minimum wage bore into the side of my head, I nervously sing-along to "Party in the USA." Luckily in that moment Miley Cirus's lyrics comforted me as I nodded my head like "Yeah." I knew one day I would look back at this moment and laugh. It would be just another awkward memory like the time I farted in an elevator and the smell made me puke. (Did that really happen?)

Thanks for reading my blog even after that crazy hiatus. Come back soon because I have a lot of new material from my road-trip to California. Thanks again for reading, and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

White or Wheat?

Hello "Mind Readers," yes I have eight followers. Movin' on up! (Cue the Jefferson's theme song) No, I'm pretty excited we have about 400 views. Lets keep the momentum going. On a low note today I ran out of sandwich material so I decided to go all "Build-A-Bear" on my sandwich. The end result was an imitation crab-meat, green olive, Swiss cheese spread, and mustard gut-bomb. I instantly regretted my decision to consume this 5 cent footlong. Not even my hero Giada de Laurentiis could have salvaged my "Everyday Unemployment" meal (for those of you who don't watch the Food Network that is a reference to Giada's show "Everyday Italian").

What makes a sandwich a sandwich?.... There is an 83% chance whatever you said is wrong. The answer is bread, bread makes a sandwich. Speaking of bread I have an awesome story about this tasty wheaty miracle. At first glance it appeared to be a bread free night. My friends and I ate Chinese food for dinner. Then we headed to the ball park. Now if you ever go to a minor league baseball game on a Thirsty Thursday just assume things are going to go nuts at some point. I don't know if it was the Asian streaker, the funniest type of streaker, but crazy things started happening like I was in an M Night Shamalan movie. After the streaker, they stopped serving beers, and the announcer said, "Thanks to our sponsor Wonderbread for hosting this evenings activities. Don't forget to pick up your free loaf of bread on your way out." I didn't think things could get any crazier, then a midget in a clown suit punched me in the nads.

Despite my suspicions that the apocalypse was upon me, I knew I couldn't turn down a free loaf of bread. I got in line, and as I got closer to the front they started running out. I was really craving french toast, so when the guy in front of me looked to the side I cut him. Then I pulled a move like Aladdin in the marketplace and grabbed the last loaf. I quickly ran to my seat as a brawl broke out between a pregnant lady and a couple of geriatrics. The upper deck started clearing out, and I decided that I didn't really need to carry around a 98 cent loaf of bread. I ran down the aisle and threw the loaf to my friend. We started playing this incredible game of bleacher catch until my buddy threw the loaf down a few aisle too far. The white bread promptly hit the white head of a tatted-out guy. (I don't know if you have ever been hit by bread, but generally it is during a joyous occasion like a food fight, or standing in the front row of hot dog eating contest.) It was clear that this man had no joy, as he shot up in a roid-rage. He turned around threw the loaf of bread onto the field and screamed, "Who the hell hit me with processed wheat?" After his scary, yet accurate depiction of the events that had just transpired, we quickly exited the stadium. I escaped with my life, and that was the first time I pissed my pants due to bread.

Thanks for reading and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Whats Your Addiction?

Hello "Mind Readers," Wow, I am so excited about speaking my mind to you all once again. Lately I have been bound by the addicting chains of the show "Intervention." It's that show on A&E where families impose interventions upon other family members, to help them overcome addictions. My mom was watching a marathon of this show, when I started getting super hungry. I was like, "Mom I need to have an intervention with you about watching this show", but I didn't say any of that. I just remember sitting down in front of the TV and blacking-out. I came to several days later in a rehab center. I just got home, and I can't stop checking A&E to see if Intervention is on. Intervention addiction is a real problem if you wet your pants on the couch, start eating Doritos, or start talking to your TV .....you too may be addicted to Intervention. The above may be signs of a serious problem, and you should kick yourself in the face immediately.

Whats your addiction? I would probably say that my addiction right now has got to be the Internet. I spend most of my day online looking for work, blogging, surfing the net, watching videos, updating my YouTube page, etc. I feel like one of those fat people from the movie "Wally" who just sit in front of the computer screen and roll around in their motorized chairs. If I had a compartment for Ramen and a bedpan, I would be fine with never leaving my desk. I'm not the only one who is addicted to the computer though. We all know people who are addicted to updating their status on facebook. Jimmy just woke up. Jimmy is eating soup. Jimmy really needs to pee. What is your problem? Update, Justin wishes the poke button would turn into the choke button. Honestly, facebook status is there so you can share things that people might find interesting, care about, or might make them laugh. Sorry Jimmy, but no one cares about your bowel movements.

Another group of people that suck is people who are addicted to posting negative comments on other people's YouTube videos. For example there could be a video of a toddler dancing. I could watch all two minutes and 35 seconds of the video and find that there is a little more joy in my life. Until, I scroll down to the comments section and JimmyHead69 say: "You are the gayest baby ever." The jerk always has the most ignorant name too, like SemoreBoobs14 or EricBallPuncher33. Why are you so insistent on being cynical and tearing others down Semore? I could make a video of myself doing a triple backflip off the Empire State Building. After landing I could save a baby from drowning in a shark tank. Then to top it all off, I could spit out the greatest pickup line in History to Megan Fox, and start making out with her. JimmyHead69 would still say: "You is a HoMO!@*!" What a Hater your misuse of grammar and punctuations is extremely offensive. Why can't you haters be addicted to something cool like finding "The Lost City of Gold," or making the worlds largest crepe. I got a joke for you haters. What has no friends? Any person who's YouTube name combines a first name, a body part, and a random number. Yeah that's you ImaAss167, Heyooooooooo!

Thanks for reading. To entertain yourself until my next post, do yourself a favor and make an "Ace of Base playlist" on YouTube. You won't regret it, and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Scientific Observations of Drinking and Nudity

What up "Mind Readers?" Does it make me less of a man because I was bummed when I found out USA was playing 1998 Paul Newman and Susan Sarandon crime thriller Twilight instead of the 2008 vampire romance based off of Stephanie Meyers's critically acclaimed book. Don't answer that. Quickly change the subject, so do you like music? Anyways here is what is on my mind...

This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Eastern Washington University. The nature of my visit was primarily social, but I found time to do field research for this post at the local bars. Upon arrival, I noticed that large groups of twenty-year-olds spontaneously gather to consume alcohol. Further observation reviled that the excessive consumption of these alcoholic beverages tends to make wise men act like fools. A conversation about quantum physics could quickly turn into a fart joke with the addition of alcohol. Alcohol can have wide ranging effects on various participants. Symptoms rage from anger and the impulse to fight (i.e. the popular television series "The Real World," which I find to be a very misleading name) to an escalated state of happiness and an overwhelming impulse to touch others. These actions are only magnified with each additional beverage the individual chooses to drink. Furthermore, I found that participant who paced themselves and refrained from over indulgence were ninety percent less likely to embarrass themselves in front of their peers.

There are also physical traits that seem common among those who enjoy going to, as they called it, "Drunk City." The top five physical characteristics are as follows 1) Male 2) Scruffy facial hair 3) Backwards baseball cap 4) Muscles masked by a layer of fat 5) Loud and annoying vocal outbursts. These individuals come from the family of humanoids best classified as douche-bag maxi-pad-a-mus which stems from the Latin word for Buttmunch. Although these are common characteristics, any homosapien is capable of taking a wrong turn into "Drunk City" which in metaphorical terms seems similar to a visit to Compton in the early 1990's. After extensive research, my advice for those who choose to "drink," in order to avoid decisions you may later regret drink responsibly. By acting accordingly one can safely stay within the suburbs of "Buzzed Town" and avoid any dangerous trips to "Drunk City."

A related subject that I have made observations upon in the past is nudity. Nudity is a very tricky subject because it's appropriateness is purely based on context. I will attempt to display the importance of context through several examples. Nudity can be funny or disgusting. The act of streaking among a group of peers is often times considered comical. Although I must voice this disclaimer, on two separate streaking experiments the presence of my bare gluteus maximus was deemed inappropriate by others involved in the experiment. A clear example of nudity being disgusting is doing the crab walk naked through a crowded mall. For clarity sake let me give you two more examples. Nudity can be cute or disgusting. If a baby is at the beach and a small dog pulls down his/her Pampers revealing a white buttux, it is considered cute. If an old man is in a locker room and decides to walk around without a towel exposing his especially wrinkly parts, it is considered disgusting.

I understand that the decision to expose yourself to the elements can be a tricky and hairy decision. Therefore here are three simple question you should ask yourself before dispelling any ones "unsolved mysteries" about what the stork saw. 1) Who is watching and will they enjoy the presence of new body parts? 2) Would I do this in a sane state of mind? 3) If I need to run will I be able to comfortably do so? If the answer is yes to all of these questions feel free to let it all hangout.

Thank you for reading my mind. Sorry, about the delay in posts. Finally, remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

If You're Gonna Be Dumb You Better Be Tough

Hello "Mind Readers!" Whats good?

You know what's NOT good? Watching people eat hot wings. Next time you go to a Chili's watch someone eat wings, and you will be disgusted. A little known fact, Hooters was invented for this very reason. The chain started out as Howters "A fine dinning wing establishment." They had high quality food and modestly clad servers. Everything seemed to be going well, yet the owners noticed people would arrive very hungry and order small portions. Patrons would lose their appetites after seeing others devouring wings. The owners realized that they needed to divert peoples attention away from the grotesque display of wing eating. A light bulb turned on, lets scantly clad our well endowed servers, and Hooters was born. Wing consumption increased by over 5o% despite the downgrade in meat quality. There is your history lesson for today, but more importantly here is what is on my mind...

I awoke from my dream last night in a cold sweat. I had been imagining that I was on the show "Yo Mamma." My opponent was professional scariest man alive Kimbo Slice. Now if you find yourself facing Kimbo in the showdown of "Yo Mamma" you are in a lose-lose situation with only two options. Option 1: Say something nice about Mrs. Slice and humiliate yourself on MTV in front of millions of mouth breathing teens. Option 2: Tell the best "yo mama" joke ever conceived, but recieve the worst beating since Nicole Richie fought American Gladiator Sharon VanderHorst. Of course, I choose to succeed comically and told the best yo mama joke EVER. "Your mama's so fat that when she cut her face shaving; instead of bleeding, Gravy came out." As Kimbo angrily charged, I woke up crying in the fetal position.

This near tragedy left me wondering, what would happen if I got in a real fight? Aside from a massive open fisted slap in 6th grade, I've never really been in a fight. Although, I never have taken part in fist-a-cuffs my life is like a constant training session. Any chance I get, I punch brick walls and metal polls in order to break my knuckles and make them larger and harder. Every other day I shadowbox for two hours to the song "Maniac" from the movie Flashdance. Finally, bi-weekly I eat healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. Even though my life is like warrior training, I still consider myself a lover not a fighter (That is just a special way to say I'm afraid to fight.) Since I hate fighting, I guess the best way to avoid a brawl is by appearing tough.

So What are some things I could do to look tougher? Everybody says people look "hard" with shaved heads. Unfortunately, because of my pail complextion I could easily be confused for a skinhead. This would be counter productive and cause me to get a check-up from the neck-up. Another option is getting a tattoo. The only problem is, I either want a picture of my goldfish "JarJar Binks" who recently passed away or a quote from vampire saga Twilight. Nope. Maybe I could come up with a tough guy walk, but last time I tried that people thought I was handicapped. I guess I'm not capable of looking tough. But honestly, unless you are a cast member of Jersey Shore, there is no reason for a twenty-two year old to get into a fight (over an Ed Hardy shirt.) I'll stick to blogging.

P.S. Dave from Famous Dave's looks like a Native American Al Roker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLcL1CK4Hgc

Thank you. Don't forget to follow me here on my blog. Also, follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/JHarpsMind to see my mini mind posts, and to be the first to know when I post on JHarps Mind. Finally, remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Pet Peeves and Man Periods

Yo what up my "Mind Readers?" Hope you are having a good weekend. People keep asking me about "The Nick," and aside from being very visible, it is healing nicely. I have avoided going out in order to dodge awkward explanations about my face wound. I did chill with Chris Brown at the mall though. I figured I wouldn't have to explain my facial lacerations walking next to him. Anyway enough about my lackluster physical appearance, here is what is on my mind...

I don't know if I'm on my man period or what, but little things have been really irritating me lately. That is why I wanted to talk about my pet peeves. You know the little things that don't bother normal people. If you mention these things though, people start questioning if you are the Zodiac Killer. First pet peeve is pet pee. I have had multiple days ruined by pet pee. Exhibit A, I had just bought a brand new pair of basketball shoes, and I went over to my friends house. He had one of those stupid "Please take your shoes off. We think we are Haywain because we went there once," stickers on the door. I decided to be polite and honor the families requests. A few hours later I returned to my shoes to find that they were saturated in cat pee pee. I mean that cat must have been collecting its urine in a vat for a special occasion, and that occasion presented itself upon the arrival of my new kicks. The cat must have been drinking Red Bull all day (You know how when you drink Red Bull, and you instantly get a wet spot in your pants because you have to pee so bad.) Sorry one more, there was enough cat pee for Bear Grylls to survive several days in the Sahara without water. Needless to say, I was "pissed." I was also involved in a similar situation, but it had a twist. I scared a dog at my friend Evans house, and he (the dog) just let loose all over the carpet. I would have been angry, but the dog licked all of his own pee up. It was awesome.

I would have to say my number one pet peeve of all time is when people make noises in situations that should be quiet. The main reason for that is probably because I am distracted very easily. Wait one sec I just got poked on Facebook........... Oh ok sorry. I alluded to it in a previous post, but a prime time for me to be peeved is at the movie theater. I recently went to see "Avatar" and the theater was pretty empty. Luckily, a man with small children decided to sit in front of me with a Man vs. Food bag o'popcorn. I didn't recognize them as they walked in, but it turned out to be Cap'N Crunch and his crunch berry children. Those little jerks were chewing with their mouths open the entire movie. In retrospect they may have been eating a bag of jawbreakers. It was so loud that I have no idea what the movie was about. I think it was about hot smurfs, but I'm not exactly sure.

Another time people like to disturb my peace is at the library. I was recently at the "libs" doing some research to see if the compelling story of "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeaqle" was indeed based on a true events. The evidence was inconclusive. Like most situations that call for quiet, I chose a spot were I was secluded from human contact. It doesn't matter where I go, the loudest most inconsiderate person will find and pick the seat right beside me. I could find a table in the back of the building next to "MC Hammers: Finances Made Easy" and "that person" would still find me. It is always a guy with a 1st generation iPod, and he doesn't realize that he can turn off that clicking sound that plays out loud, even with headphones on. So they scroll through their 8 billion gigs of songs and it sounds like someone is playing Wheel of Fortune in your head. A half hour later they finally decide on a song. They end up picking an outdated and annoying artist like Hoobastank (that's just fun to say Hoobastank.) For some reason his earphones never work well so it sounds more like the megaphone at an abortion rally. I have to sit there and listen to "Roxane" on repeat, and then I get really mad because I start singing along (You Don't Have to Wear that Dress Tonight.) Now an hour has passed, the storm has settled and they whip out a Snickers Bar. The packaging seems to made of some sort of space shuttle siding because he can never figure out how open it. He keeps fiddling with it like a slow person trying to work his zipper at the urinal. Two hours have passed and the Snickers Bar crisis has reminded me that I am starving. At this point I am forced to abort the mission. Hopefully tomorrow will not be full of pet peeves.


That is all for today. Thanks again for reading. I love you all and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Never Use a Generic Brand Razor, "The Nick"

Hello "Mind Readers" hopefully I can get through this post. I just finished a pepperoni Lean Pocket, and I can't get the taste of wet dog out of my mouth. I just poured myself a glass of half Pepto-Bismol and Listerine so hears what's on my mind...

Today started out without incident.I have an interview tomorrow so I decided it was time to shave my Grizzly Adams beard into something more professional (A Fu Mancho.) Let me just start by saying I hate shaving. I can't figure out how to shave without looking like I went face first through a blackberry patch. I guess that is what I get for buying the cheapest brand "Face Peeler." The warning label says, "Unsafe for use on humans. Please consult a surgeon before handling. Regardless, my face was looking nice and feeling fresh this time until "The Nick."

It happened when I started to shave my sideburns, and my razor blade caught on my cheekbone. This wasn't your run of the mill shaving mishap. Oh no, I almost hit bone. I instantly started feeling lightheaded because of my extreme blood loss. I mean, I sat down and started writing my will because I was afraid that I could bleed-out any second. Ok, maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but I have an interview tomorrow. How am I supposed to look professional when I look like I just went six rounds with Ali? I knew it wasn't a good sign when I walked into a room, and my family asked, "What happened to you?" I can only guess what my the lady interviewing me will think of monstrous laceration on my face. She might think 1) I broke into a zoo and tried to steal the lions. 2) I attempted grand theft auto by breaking the window with my face. or 3) I was hitting on a UFC Fighter's girlfriend. No matter what, in her head I might as well have just pooped my pants mid-interview.

This is why my shaving catastrophe is a worst case scenario. As I mentioned, in a previous post, never trust a man in a trench coat. The same goes for a man with a large cut on his face. Unfortunately, there are so many other situations where having an ugly gash on your face would be awesome. For example you are running late for your girlfriends birthday. If you walk in with a huge gaping wound on your face nobody is going to question your tardiness. They will just be thinking, "Wow, what happened to him. I surprised he made it here at all. He must have been attacked by a wild puma or a mugger with a machete." Other times it would be awesome to have a massive wound on your face include: An audition for a 007 movie, a night in jail, and a very competitive game of chess. Years from now my friends will ask me if I remember "The Nick?" My response will be a sobbing, "Yes, The Nick is the reason I am still unemployed."

Hey thanks for reading again. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did check out my other posts. You can also follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/JHarpsMind Remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp