Wednesday, April 14, 2010

If this is Sight... I rather be blind.

Yo Yo Yo... Mind Reader, Pon De River (Jamaican accent with Reggi music in the background) That probably won't be as funny to you as it was to me because you can't actually hear it. Isn't hearing amazing certain sounds can just make you laugh like a toot or a Justin Bieber song (yeah thats right I said toot.) Then we have smell which can be a good or bad thing much like all the other senses. One of smells lowest points was in Michale Todd Jr's 1960 "classic" "Scent of Mystery" a Smell-O-Vision classic. Yeah Smell-O-Vision was a real thing at one point Google it. It didn't really take off though because they mixed up the scent of the comedic bathroom scene with scent for the scene of the first kiss. Yeah it was bad at least it wasn't Taste-O-Vision.

Well speaking of senses I want to talk about my favorite sense, sight. Sight can be a double edged sword. Sight has blessed me with images like a beautiful girls face and exotic sunsets. Sight has also scared me with images of a fat guys harry plumber's butt and public park restroom stalls (I cleaned bathrooms one summer.) Overall, I would have to say that the benefits of sight far outweigh the disadvantages of sightlessness. Apparently most people tend to agree because there are these very scary doctors who dedicate their lives to keeping people's eyes healthy. I recently went to the "eye doctor" and had no idea what discomforts were awaiting.

I arrived at the office and every one was suspiciously nice. The entire office was a vibrant white. Then the assistant called my name and "it" began. The reception room had all been a facade because the assistant led me to a dark torture chamber. She had me sit down and told me to look into a very complex looking machine. Suddenly, the machine shot air into my eye, and I fell out of my seat in fright. The lady did this about fifty times in each eye because "she couldn't get a good reading due to my extreme reactions." (I'm sure.) Even though I knew a tiny gale force winds was heading towards my eye, it made me jump every time (like the scene in "Mars Attacks" when you see Sarah Jessica Parkers face.) After further eye tortures, she led me into a room where the Optometrist would see me.

An balding middle aged man walked into the room and without saying anything started prodding at my eyes. Then he said, "My name is Ted, I work across the street at Jiffy Lube the doctor will see you soon." (Just kidding that didn't happen, but that is the only way things could have been worse.) He actually said, "Can I dilate your pupils?" I agreed and as the doctor was putting drops in my eye he said, "You don't have to do anything for a few hours right?" Thats when I had a miny panic attack. What does that even mean? All he did was put a few eye drops in. No big deal right? Then I understood what he had meant as I was texting my Mom to let her know I was getting my eyes checked. When I received her response it resembled a blur. And yes I do mean it resembled a blur. My vision was so blurry that the blurryness was blurry.

Next, the doctor decided to shine concentrated sunlight into my extremely sensitive eyes. Once he had ran out of ways to make my eyes burn he said I was free to go. I don't know why I decided to drive home considering I was having trouble reading the "Exit" sign above the door. (B-@-L-T <-- dramatization of what the exit sign looked like.) As I walked out the door the receptionist handed me what looked like a fruit roll-up, and she told me to wear it because my eyes would be sensitive to the sun. This was an understatement. I instantly regretted my decision not to put on the fruit-snack shaped sunglasses until I got in my car. My eyes were burning so bad that I started crying tears of blood. I felt like one of the vampires from Twilight on a sunny day. My face must have looked like Renee Zellweger does whenever she smiles (talk about squinting.) Somehow in my Mr. Magoo like state, I made it home. Next time I will definitely have to consider if sight is worth it before going to the Tortraumatrist.

Good to see you again "Mind Readers," and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp