Scientific Observations of Drinking and Nudity

What up "Mind Readers?" Does it make me less of a man because I was bummed when I found out USA was playing 1998 Paul Newman and Susan Sarandon crime thriller Twilight instead of the 2008 vampire romance based off of Stephanie Meyers's critically acclaimed book. Don't answer that. Quickly change the subject, so do you like music? Anyways here is what is on my mind...

This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Eastern Washington University. The nature of my visit was primarily social, but I found time to do field research for this post at the local bars. Upon arrival, I noticed that large groups of twenty-year-olds spontaneously gather to consume alcohol. Further observation reviled that the excessive consumption of these alcoholic beverages tends to make wise men act like fools. A conversation about quantum physics could quickly turn into a fart joke with the addition of alcohol. Alcohol can have wide ranging effects on various participants. Symptoms rage from anger and the impulse to fight (i.e. the popular television series "The Real World," which I find to be a very misleading name) to an escalated state of happiness and an overwhelming impulse to touch others. These actions are only magnified with each additional beverage the individual chooses to drink. Furthermore, I found that participant who paced themselves and refrained from over indulgence were ninety percent less likely to embarrass themselves in front of their peers.

There are also physical traits that seem common among those who enjoy going to, as they called it, "Drunk City." The top five physical characteristics are as follows 1) Male 2) Scruffy facial hair 3) Backwards baseball cap 4) Muscles masked by a layer of fat 5) Loud and annoying vocal outbursts. These individuals come from the family of humanoids best classified as douche-bag maxi-pad-a-mus which stems from the Latin word for Buttmunch. Although these are common characteristics, any homosapien is capable of taking a wrong turn into "Drunk City" which in metaphorical terms seems similar to a visit to Compton in the early 1990's. After extensive research, my advice for those who choose to "drink," in order to avoid decisions you may later regret drink responsibly. By acting accordingly one can safely stay within the suburbs of "Buzzed Town" and avoid any dangerous trips to "Drunk City."

A related subject that I have made observations upon in the past is nudity. Nudity is a very tricky subject because it's appropriateness is purely based on context. I will attempt to display the importance of context through several examples. Nudity can be funny or disgusting. The act of streaking among a group of peers is often times considered comical. Although I must voice this disclaimer, on two separate streaking experiments the presence of my bare gluteus maximus was deemed inappropriate by others involved in the experiment. A clear example of nudity being disgusting is doing the crab walk naked through a crowded mall. For clarity sake let me give you two more examples. Nudity can be cute or disgusting. If a baby is at the beach and a small dog pulls down his/her Pampers revealing a white buttux, it is considered cute. If an old man is in a locker room and decides to walk around without a towel exposing his especially wrinkly parts, it is considered disgusting.

I understand that the decision to expose yourself to the elements can be a tricky and hairy decision. Therefore here are three simple question you should ask yourself before dispelling any ones "unsolved mysteries" about what the stork saw. 1) Who is watching and will they enjoy the presence of new body parts? 2) Would I do this in a sane state of mind? 3) If I need to run will I be able to comfortably do so? If the answer is yes to all of these questions feel free to let it all hangout.

Thank you for reading my mind. Sorry, about the delay in posts. Finally, remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

If You're Gonna Be Dumb You Better Be Tough

Hello "Mind Readers!" Whats good?

You know what's NOT good? Watching people eat hot wings. Next time you go to a Chili's watch someone eat wings, and you will be disgusted. A little known fact, Hooters was invented for this very reason. The chain started out as Howters "A fine dinning wing establishment." They had high quality food and modestly clad servers. Everything seemed to be going well, yet the owners noticed people would arrive very hungry and order small portions. Patrons would lose their appetites after seeing others devouring wings. The owners realized that they needed to divert peoples attention away from the grotesque display of wing eating. A light bulb turned on, lets scantly clad our well endowed servers, and Hooters was born. Wing consumption increased by over 5o% despite the downgrade in meat quality. There is your history lesson for today, but more importantly here is what is on my mind...

I awoke from my dream last night in a cold sweat. I had been imagining that I was on the show "Yo Mamma." My opponent was professional scariest man alive Kimbo Slice. Now if you find yourself facing Kimbo in the showdown of "Yo Mamma" you are in a lose-lose situation with only two options. Option 1: Say something nice about Mrs. Slice and humiliate yourself on MTV in front of millions of mouth breathing teens. Option 2: Tell the best "yo mama" joke ever conceived, but recieve the worst beating since Nicole Richie fought American Gladiator Sharon VanderHorst. Of course, I choose to succeed comically and told the best yo mama joke EVER. "Your mama's so fat that when she cut her face shaving; instead of bleeding, Gravy came out." As Kimbo angrily charged, I woke up crying in the fetal position.

This near tragedy left me wondering, what would happen if I got in a real fight? Aside from a massive open fisted slap in 6th grade, I've never really been in a fight. Although, I never have taken part in fist-a-cuffs my life is like a constant training session. Any chance I get, I punch brick walls and metal polls in order to break my knuckles and make them larger and harder. Every other day I shadowbox for two hours to the song "Maniac" from the movie Flashdance. Finally, bi-weekly I eat healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. Even though my life is like warrior training, I still consider myself a lover not a fighter (That is just a special way to say I'm afraid to fight.) Since I hate fighting, I guess the best way to avoid a brawl is by appearing tough.

So What are some things I could do to look tougher? Everybody says people look "hard" with shaved heads. Unfortunately, because of my pail complextion I could easily be confused for a skinhead. This would be counter productive and cause me to get a check-up from the neck-up. Another option is getting a tattoo. The only problem is, I either want a picture of my goldfish "JarJar Binks" who recently passed away or a quote from vampire saga Twilight. Nope. Maybe I could come up with a tough guy walk, but last time I tried that people thought I was handicapped. I guess I'm not capable of looking tough. But honestly, unless you are a cast member of Jersey Shore, there is no reason for a twenty-two year old to get into a fight (over an Ed Hardy shirt.) I'll stick to blogging.

P.S. Dave from Famous Dave's looks like a Native American Al Roker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLcL1CK4Hgc

Thank you. Don't forget to follow me here on my blog. Also, follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/JHarpsMind to see my mini mind posts, and to be the first to know when I post on JHarps Mind. Finally, remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Pet Peeves and Man Periods

Yo what up my "Mind Readers?" Hope you are having a good weekend. People keep asking me about "The Nick," and aside from being very visible, it is healing nicely. I have avoided going out in order to dodge awkward explanations about my face wound. I did chill with Chris Brown at the mall though. I figured I wouldn't have to explain my facial lacerations walking next to him. Anyway enough about my lackluster physical appearance, here is what is on my mind...

I don't know if I'm on my man period or what, but little things have been really irritating me lately. That is why I wanted to talk about my pet peeves. You know the little things that don't bother normal people. If you mention these things though, people start questioning if you are the Zodiac Killer. First pet peeve is pet pee. I have had multiple days ruined by pet pee. Exhibit A, I had just bought a brand new pair of basketball shoes, and I went over to my friends house. He had one of those stupid "Please take your shoes off. We think we are Haywain because we went there once," stickers on the door. I decided to be polite and honor the families requests. A few hours later I returned to my shoes to find that they were saturated in cat pee pee. I mean that cat must have been collecting its urine in a vat for a special occasion, and that occasion presented itself upon the arrival of my new kicks. The cat must have been drinking Red Bull all day (You know how when you drink Red Bull, and you instantly get a wet spot in your pants because you have to pee so bad.) Sorry one more, there was enough cat pee for Bear Grylls to survive several days in the Sahara without water. Needless to say, I was "pissed." I was also involved in a similar situation, but it had a twist. I scared a dog at my friend Evans house, and he (the dog) just let loose all over the carpet. I would have been angry, but the dog licked all of his own pee up. It was awesome.

I would have to say my number one pet peeve of all time is when people make noises in situations that should be quiet. The main reason for that is probably because I am distracted very easily. Wait one sec I just got poked on Facebook........... Oh ok sorry. I alluded to it in a previous post, but a prime time for me to be peeved is at the movie theater. I recently went to see "Avatar" and the theater was pretty empty. Luckily, a man with small children decided to sit in front of me with a Man vs. Food bag o'popcorn. I didn't recognize them as they walked in, but it turned out to be Cap'N Crunch and his crunch berry children. Those little jerks were chewing with their mouths open the entire movie. In retrospect they may have been eating a bag of jawbreakers. It was so loud that I have no idea what the movie was about. I think it was about hot smurfs, but I'm not exactly sure.

Another time people like to disturb my peace is at the library. I was recently at the "libs" doing some research to see if the compelling story of "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeaqle" was indeed based on a true events. The evidence was inconclusive. Like most situations that call for quiet, I chose a spot were I was secluded from human contact. It doesn't matter where I go, the loudest most inconsiderate person will find and pick the seat right beside me. I could find a table in the back of the building next to "MC Hammers: Finances Made Easy" and "that person" would still find me. It is always a guy with a 1st generation iPod, and he doesn't realize that he can turn off that clicking sound that plays out loud, even with headphones on. So they scroll through their 8 billion gigs of songs and it sounds like someone is playing Wheel of Fortune in your head. A half hour later they finally decide on a song. They end up picking an outdated and annoying artist like Hoobastank (that's just fun to say Hoobastank.) For some reason his earphones never work well so it sounds more like the megaphone at an abortion rally. I have to sit there and listen to "Roxane" on repeat, and then I get really mad because I start singing along (You Don't Have to Wear that Dress Tonight.) Now an hour has passed, the storm has settled and they whip out a Snickers Bar. The packaging seems to made of some sort of space shuttle siding because he can never figure out how open it. He keeps fiddling with it like a slow person trying to work his zipper at the urinal. Two hours have passed and the Snickers Bar crisis has reminded me that I am starving. At this point I am forced to abort the mission. Hopefully tomorrow will not be full of pet peeves.


That is all for today. Thanks again for reading. I love you all and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Never Use a Generic Brand Razor, "The Nick"

Hello "Mind Readers" hopefully I can get through this post. I just finished a pepperoni Lean Pocket, and I can't get the taste of wet dog out of my mouth. I just poured myself a glass of half Pepto-Bismol and Listerine so hears what's on my mind...

Today started out without incident.I have an interview tomorrow so I decided it was time to shave my Grizzly Adams beard into something more professional (A Fu Mancho.) Let me just start by saying I hate shaving. I can't figure out how to shave without looking like I went face first through a blackberry patch. I guess that is what I get for buying the cheapest brand "Face Peeler." The warning label says, "Unsafe for use on humans. Please consult a surgeon before handling. Regardless, my face was looking nice and feeling fresh this time until "The Nick."

It happened when I started to shave my sideburns, and my razor blade caught on my cheekbone. This wasn't your run of the mill shaving mishap. Oh no, I almost hit bone. I instantly started feeling lightheaded because of my extreme blood loss. I mean, I sat down and started writing my will because I was afraid that I could bleed-out any second. Ok, maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but I have an interview tomorrow. How am I supposed to look professional when I look like I just went six rounds with Ali? I knew it wasn't a good sign when I walked into a room, and my family asked, "What happened to you?" I can only guess what my the lady interviewing me will think of monstrous laceration on my face. She might think 1) I broke into a zoo and tried to steal the lions. 2) I attempted grand theft auto by breaking the window with my face. or 3) I was hitting on a UFC Fighter's girlfriend. No matter what, in her head I might as well have just pooped my pants mid-interview.

This is why my shaving catastrophe is a worst case scenario. As I mentioned, in a previous post, never trust a man in a trench coat. The same goes for a man with a large cut on his face. Unfortunately, there are so many other situations where having an ugly gash on your face would be awesome. For example you are running late for your girlfriends birthday. If you walk in with a huge gaping wound on your face nobody is going to question your tardiness. They will just be thinking, "Wow, what happened to him. I surprised he made it here at all. He must have been attacked by a wild puma or a mugger with a machete." Other times it would be awesome to have a massive wound on your face include: An audition for a 007 movie, a night in jail, and a very competitive game of chess. Years from now my friends will ask me if I remember "The Nick?" My response will be a sobbing, "Yes, The Nick is the reason I am still unemployed."

Hey thanks for reading again. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did check out my other posts. You can also follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/JHarpsMind Remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Are You Going To Eat That...

Hello "Mind Readers" thanks for coming back to take a look inside of my head. Side note, I thought it was funny that google was putting up ads for funeral flowers and mortuaries because of my post about looking cool at funerals.

Lets get right into it. Here is what is inside JHarp's Mind...

So today I ordered some pizza from Pizza Hut. Quick shout out, right now you can get any pizza at Pizza Hut for 10 dollas. (Pizza Hut CEO Scott Bergren throw some advertising bucks my way. I'm broke.) Anyway, deal of the century right. The Ninja Turtles are rolling over in their graves. Yes, unfortunately the Ninja Turtles passed away several years ago. The excessive pizza consumption and poor living conditions of sewer life finally caught up with them. Who would have thought? Back to the story, so one of my buddies texts me, "What are you doing?" I excitedly told him about the excellent pizza wealth that had been bestowed upon me. He responds, "Are you going to eat that trash.. :( So bad for you." Thank you Jilian Micheals (from "The Biggest Loser" circa 2008, I'm obviously not eating this "trash" to jump start my new diet. I was flabbergasted at my friends response because a) I saw him scarfing down a double cheeseburger with a glass of eggnog the night before b) I didn't know he was an huge butt hole. I had no response for my portly companion that wouldn't compromise our friendship. His response did get me thinking though...

Why do Big people love to give health advice? Furthermore, why do large people love "The Biggest Loser?"

"Bigger" people giving health advice is like someone tweaking on crack trying to help a cigarette smoker quit. Don't get me wrong I'm no Spartan warrior, but no matter what nutritional advice, someone my size or larger gives me, I automatically discredit that information. A fat man could walk up to me and say, "Hey if you want to lose weight you should try eating more fruits and vegetables." My knee jerk response would be, "Haha yeah right, I'll definitely try that. It seems to be working for you." I know weight is a struggle and a big problem for a lot of people. I'm not trying to make fun of that, but typically people tend to avoid giving advice about things they struggle with. There is always that one hypocritical jerk no matter what the problem is, he/she has to get his/her two cents in. I'll start talking about eating unhealthy foods some random fat guy seems to magically appear out of thin air like a Leprechaun at the end of a rainbow. The guy always sounds as if he just finished the Boston Marathon, gasp, " I wouldn't eat that." Okay thank you, but it looks like you already did. I love everyone, but please don't come up to me while I'm enjoying my guilty pleasures just to tell me what not to eat. Especially if there are still crumbs from a deep fried candy bar on your face.

I find it funny that "large" people love to watch "The Biggest Loser." Even in my bigger days I was uncontrollably drawn to the show. I would finish ingesting a Taco Bell Grande Meal, and my first thought was, "Dang I really wish The Biggest Loser was on." Skinny people were thinking to themselves, "What did that fatty just say? Why would anyone watch trash?" I think big people are drawn to the show for the same reason dogs start freaking out when they see another dog on tv. Its like holy crap someone like me is on tv. Lets be honest aside from the guy on Lost and Rosie O'Donnell there aren't many BIG people on tv. This is why I devised a healthier way to watch the, "The Biggest Loser." Step 1: Buy exercise equipment. Step 2: Eat fruits and vegetables. Step 3: Look into the mirror.


Hey thanks everyone for reading. I love you all big and small. Remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

She Ruined My Movie Experience

Hello " Mind Readers," I'm glad your here to see how the world was laughing at me today. If you stumbled upon my blog looking for information about eating bananas or buying trench coats, sorry for your inconvenience. Regardless of why you are here, I hope you can laugh at the world in my mind.

Today I had the privilege of going on a cinematic journey as I watched, "The Book of Eli." However, my adventure was far from perfect. You are are about to travel through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into the wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone, I mean J Harp's mind... (Do do do doo, do do do do)

I promptly arrived at the theater 30 minute early to insure the acquisition of the perfect seat. You know the one behind the handicap row with the railing in front. I sat there to guarantee that a Yao Ming sized patron with a South Park cranium would not sit in my sight line. In these seats I'm also able to put my feet up until the usher comes in. At that point I quickly pretend like I'm merely crossing my legs. Once at my seat, I started playing the game of "This Seat is Taken." To play this game I pretend like I'm saving a seat for a friend that is running fashionably late. I continued playing this game until I saw a group of dime piece biddies walk into the theater. Suddenly my make believe friend canceled our plans, and I promptly removed my coat from the seat. My hope was that these young ladies would noticed the opening in my prime seating area. Unfortunately, at that very moment a haggard old lady and her husband swooped upon the seats. I had no time to resume my game of phantom reservations.

As soon as these events transpired, I knew that I might as well have been watching the movie in a nursery full of crack babies. This old lady had the faint sent of urine. This would later explain her obvious weak battler and frequent trips to the bathroom. As she started conversing with her husband, I noticed her voice and laugh precisely mimicked that of Fran Drescher from "The Nanny" circa 93. Never has anyone assaulted all five of my senses in such a short amount of time. Luckily for me, she also decided to do a running commentary of the entire movie. Her intuitive insight led me to believe that she was the John Madden of movie theater play-by-plays. At one point the main character bumped into and old sheet, and she said, "Wow, dust." Thank you Nostradamus. To top it all off, she had the "Man vs. Food" sized bag o' popcorn. The bag must have been made of rain sticks because every time she reached inside I thought I was in the middle of buttery thunderstorm. I literally was having trouble hearing the explosion scenes. Finally, I blacked out from my pent-up frustration, and woke up during the credits with no idea what had happened.

The movie theater, another one of the worlds cruel jokes. Thanks again for reading, and I hope you come back to read my next post. I think I will be about why BIG people love "The Biggest Loser" and giving health advice.

Love you all and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Keep Laughing World

Hello "Mind Readers!"

That is how I'm going to refer to the people who read my blog (get it because my blog is called JHarp's Mind.) Well... I thought it was clever.

Today I had the pleasure of playing 18 holes of golf. Actually, there was nothing pleasurable about the outing at all. Believe it or not some people consider golf to be a fun or relaxing sport. I hardly find comfort in attempting to precisely hit a tiny ball hundreds of feet through the air while the eyes of your peers critically judge your every move. Talk about a super relaxing no pressure situation.

If the objective of the game was to hit shrubbery, small woodland animals, sand traps, and man made bodies of water I would have gone pro years ago. Five hundred and seventy golf balls later, I have decided to leave the real game of golf to the pros. After all Tiger Woods seems to have no trouble finding the "hoe." HEYYOOOO! Golf another one of the worlds cruel tricks.

Once again here is the world in JHarp's Mind:

Have you ever been to a funeral and thought to yourself, "I wonder if I look cool." Generally the answer is no. Your eyes are probably puffy from crying, there is crusty snot in your nose, and you are wearing uncomfortable and outdated dress clothing. Looking cool is obviously the top priority at your time of morning. Luckily for you, through the great teachings of cinema I have found ultimate way to standout at your next memorial service.

Step 1: Dress in all Black (preferably leather, but avoid latex.) Step 2: Make sure that it is raining. If the local weather forecast does not call for precipitation contact your local"rain man" stat. He will more then likely trade his services for beads or fire. (Hail or Snow will do in a pinch.) Step 3: Ride a Harley with no muffler through the middle of the gathering. Make sure to rev your engine near the elderly. Step 4: Show up during the middle of the service. (Ride around the block a few times if you are arriving in a timely manner.) Step 5: Watch the proceedings from a distance with sunglasses on. Feel free to cry because the rain will cover your tears. Also, if you choose to speak stick to shouting basic ambiguous questions like: "WHY?"

Come back soon there is so many horrible things that happen to me everyday, and these misfortunes are halarious.

I love you all, and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Gentlemen and Ladies... I am a Blog Virgin

Who am I?... PETEY PAB MOTHA... Wait, wrong guy, but I always wanted to say that ("Raise Up" Petey Pablo circa 2001.) Sorry if you didn't understand that refrence. Actually my name is Justin, and I graduated from a fairly prestigious university in Southern California. After spending well over ten times my lifesavings in tuition, I became the butt of a pitiless economic joke. I can't find a job because of my lack of experience, and I can't get experience because my lack of a job. The world can be quite the female dog at times. Which brings me to my point, the world plays cruel and unusual jokes on us everyday, and I'm not gonna to take it anymore. I will not stand up for myself; instead, I will sit down and "maturely" poke fun at the world that makes fun of me.

This is how the world is seen through JHarp's Mind:

I will never play the clarinet or eat a banana in public because it is impossible to do either while maintaining my masculinity (pause for visualization.) Yet you may be asking JHarp, " What if I'm starving to death, and a banana is my only option?" Well in case of a banana emergency there is a protocol that allows you to save face. Step 1: Clarify to anyone in the general vicinity that you are not "eating" this plantain you are "devouring it." Step 2: Scream savagely directly at the peel. Step 3: Without peeling, bite through the fruity treat like a grizzly chomping through a raw salmon. A delicious alternative to this process is directly placing the banana into a crepe and consuming. Crisis diverted.

Don't judge a book by its cover, unless that book is wearing a trench coat and a baseball cap. By wearing this garb you are saying, " I'm crazy and smell like the back of a fat ladies knee in August." It is the mullet of the fashion world. Side note, Is it just me or are you super jumpy whenever someone in a trench coat makes a sudden movement. Now there are exceptions to every rule, if you are from the 40's, staring in "Dick Tracy," or dressing up as Neo for Halloween feel free to wear a trench coat. Yet the only reason a person qualifies for wearing a trench coat and a baseball cap, is if he/she pushes a shopping cart full of cats and talks to to his/her self as he/she walks.

Well, I will leave you with that for today. Thanks for reading "JHarp's Mind." As a teaser, possibilities for the next topics include: looking cool at funerals, why crack heads love tattoos, and exploring why fat people love The Biggest Loser.

Thanks again and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

J Harp