Is This Real Life...

Dear Mind Readers,

I do not know if this is a good thing, but the USA has seven gold medals in the special Olympics. We are in second place behind Russia. It is nice to know that our special people are among the best in the world. Thanks to my good friend Dennis for that prospective. Here's what is on my mind today.

If I counted the number of hours I have spent watching television, movies, commercials, and YouTube videos it should be no surprise sometimes it feels like I can't have original experiences. (I counted the hours. It is exactly 33,488 hours.) We love to compare things in our life to situations that we see in the media. At times we even inadvertently see the media playing itself out in our day to day lives. A prime example of this was when I saw two old people driving down a California Highway in a convertible. I wanted to think, "Wow what a cute old couple!" ; instead, I started humming the song from the Cialas commercials. Then I pictured the two of them holding hands in separate bathtubs while watching the sunset as the announcer said, "If you have a (you no what) lasting longer then four hours see a doctor immediately." (Was that really necessary, who isn't going to the doctor in that situation?)

Later that same day I went to the pet store. I was in the reptile section and saw a Gecko, and asked him, " How to save 15% or more on my car insurance." Then I was in the "not usually found in pet-stores" section and saw a full grown duck. I stubbed my toe really hard and I was hurt and had to miss work. The duck wouldn't shut-up and kept quacking, "Aflac." These are the same thoughts that make me say, "I'll be back," in an Austrian accent whenever I leave home. Here is another prime example of the medias effects on my mind. Is it just me or whenever you are getting screwed big-time do you look around for hidden cameras and start thinking that your on Punk'd. i.e. I made a special trip to Wendy's to get five crispy nuggets for a dollar. I got up to the cash register and told cashier my wish only to find out they were out of nuggets. Are you kidding me? Wendy's out of chicken nuggets? Thats like Chevron running out of gas or an Old Country Buffet running out of fat people. It just doesn't happen. So, I started looking in the ketchup bin for hidden Punk'd cameras. Actually turns out there was a salmonella outbreak earlier that day. I have never been so glad not to get chicken nuggets because someone else got Punk'd with salmonella, Snap!

Aight, Mind Readers thanks for reading and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

The Second Worst Night of My Life

Mind Readers!!! If you like my blog tell your friends to follow JHarpsMind. Also feel free to check out my "fine" sponsors below (most of them are about alcoholism and anti-flatulent meds, don't ask me why. The websites are always worth a laugh or two.) For real though why does Google put ads on my blog for horrible things (Hellshire Funeral Home, Last Resort Drug Addict's Resort, Oops I Crapped my Pants Adult Diapers?) Anyways, maybe if I talk about something more positive the ads will be more pleasant. That is why I want to talk about Terrorism.

I recently went on a solo roadtrip through the Westcoast aka the Best Coast. After driving 12 hours through California, listening to the best hits of the 90s such as Alanis Morissette's Jagged Litle Pill, I decided I needed to stop somewhere to sleep. I stopped at a Quality Inn, and found out a room was going to cost me about 80 bucks. I told the clerk that there was no way I was going to spend that much money for six hours of usage unless it came with a free room service and a badai toilet. I realize this was a little extreme, but I really had to illustrate the insanity of her prices. She replied, " No, but there is free breakfast." Needless to say I kept driving and found a sign that said "Single room $35." I was so excited because I could spend $40 on breakfast and still save money. I rang the night bell and a cranky bearded man came to the window. There was something strange about this guy, but I had woke him from his slumber so I let it slide. I silently gave him my credit card and our awkward transaction was complete. But as he ran my credit card I noticed something very unsettling.

In the corner next to the register I saw a poster written in Arabic. I thought to myself, "Cool this place is multicultural." After a closer look, I noticed that the pictures had a bunch of of heavily bearded guys smiling with guns, but they were in civilian robes and turbans instead of military uniforms. "Ok", I thought "well maybe it is a gun club." Then I saw little clip-art illustrations of AK-47's bordering the poster. Where did they get did they get AK47 clip art, Microsoft Cave the Terrorist addition. I can't read Arabic, but I could just tell that the sentences were angry. My fears were compounded by the fact that I had just watched "The Kingdom" where Jason Batemen gets kidnapped by terrorists. The clerk came back handing me a key and the remote, and I walked to my room.

I entered the room and it was just as terrifying as the poster. Every inch of the floor was sticky. The carpet felt like Velcro, and the tile felt like the soda soaked and candy coated floors of opening night of The Land Before Time 10. The walls were paper thin, and I could hear the guy above me breathing. There wasn't even a window in the room there was just a hole with curtains. To my suprise in the top drawer there was a Gideon International Bible (Those people are amazing! Somehow they infiltrated the Green Zone and placed a Bible in my room. Lets get those guys to find Bin Laden.)

I wanted to leave so bad, but the clerk was already pissed at me for waking him up at 2am. He looked like he had already had a bad day, and he might snap at any moment. Plus he had my credit card information and address. I wanted to be as forgettable as possible. I texted a bunch and told them to avenge my death as if this would keep me safe. I remember my last thought before finally falling asleep was, "I'm across the street from an Outback Steakhouse. There is no way that a terrorist act could happen next to that much beef." Worst sleep of my life! Luckily, the guy had kindly placed me in the room closest to the highway. Every few minutes I would wake up to the sound of a passing car. I thought at any minute I was going to get kidnapped, and I would be the subject of one of those ransom videos people send to the 60 minutes. I could just imagine Rosie Perez watching 60 minutes and saying, "Thats what you get for staying in a $35 hotel, stupido." At 7 O'clock I quickly gathered my belongings, and without showering I started driving as fast as possible towards home. I had survived.

Mind Readers, I hope you enjoyed reading about one of the worst night of my life. Thank you for reading, and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.