That is Awkward

HELLOOOO MIND READERS!! Good to see you again.

My life can be best described as a series of awkward moments with random events in the middle. Awkwardness is a state of mind. Once you believe that something is awkward it instantly evolves into a uncomfortable situation. Other people can make you feel awkward even if they don't realize it (like when an old lady farts next to you in the grocery store.) Yet some people just don't get embarrassed and that embarrasses me. For example the entire cast of the Jersey Shore. (That is officially the last time it is okay to use the Jersey Shore as an example. We get it they are ra-tards.) I get embarrassed easily. I think I am awkward therefore I am.

Today (two weeks ago when I started writing this) I had quite an awkward moment. I was driving down a busy road around lunchtime, and there was a shaker dancing on the corner. A "Shaker" is one of those guys who dresses up in a costume and holds a sign that says things like, "Mattress Muuunday Sale!!"or "Professional Bull Riding, This Saturday, Get Some. Don't be a Steer." (I have been on the Job boards lately, I applied to wear the Red Robin suit to promote their lunch specials. At tryouts I found that I am extremely claustrophobic.) Anyhow, I was passing by a tax preparation place and there was a "guy" dressed as the statue of liberty. I felt bad for the guy... for one second. But the guy started doing a little dance in my direction, and at the end he did a spin and gave me the suck-it motion. I knew he did it on purpose because he was looking deeply into my eyes as he hit either side of his crotchal region.

I couldn't believe my eyes, yet I knew that these transactions could not go unpunished. So I did what any other warm blooded American would have done. I gave him an emphatic middle finger. I instantly regretted this decision because as I gave him the bird the light changed to red. AWKWARD! I had to spend the next minute pretending like I had merely raised my finger to sooth a really bad knuckle itch. As his furious glare that was compounded by the frustration of minimum wage bore into the side of my head, I nervously sing-along to "Party in the USA." Luckily in that moment Miley Cirus's lyrics comforted me as I nodded my head like "Yeah." I knew one day I would look back at this moment and laugh. It would be just another awkward memory like the time I farted in an elevator and the smell made me puke. (Did that really happen?)

Thanks for reading my blog even after that crazy hiatus. Come back soon because I have a lot of new material from my road-trip to California. Thanks again for reading, and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

White or Wheat?

Hello "Mind Readers," yes I have eight followers. Movin' on up! (Cue the Jefferson's theme song) No, I'm pretty excited we have about 400 views. Lets keep the momentum going. On a low note today I ran out of sandwich material so I decided to go all "Build-A-Bear" on my sandwich. The end result was an imitation crab-meat, green olive, Swiss cheese spread, and mustard gut-bomb. I instantly regretted my decision to consume this 5 cent footlong. Not even my hero Giada de Laurentiis could have salvaged my "Everyday Unemployment" meal (for those of you who don't watch the Food Network that is a reference to Giada's show "Everyday Italian").

What makes a sandwich a sandwich?.... There is an 83% chance whatever you said is wrong. The answer is bread, bread makes a sandwich. Speaking of bread I have an awesome story about this tasty wheaty miracle. At first glance it appeared to be a bread free night. My friends and I ate Chinese food for dinner. Then we headed to the ball park. Now if you ever go to a minor league baseball game on a Thirsty Thursday just assume things are going to go nuts at some point. I don't know if it was the Asian streaker, the funniest type of streaker, but crazy things started happening like I was in an M Night Shamalan movie. After the streaker, they stopped serving beers, and the announcer said, "Thanks to our sponsor Wonderbread for hosting this evenings activities. Don't forget to pick up your free loaf of bread on your way out." I didn't think things could get any crazier, then a midget in a clown suit punched me in the nads.

Despite my suspicions that the apocalypse was upon me, I knew I couldn't turn down a free loaf of bread. I got in line, and as I got closer to the front they started running out. I was really craving french toast, so when the guy in front of me looked to the side I cut him. Then I pulled a move like Aladdin in the marketplace and grabbed the last loaf. I quickly ran to my seat as a brawl broke out between a pregnant lady and a couple of geriatrics. The upper deck started clearing out, and I decided that I didn't really need to carry around a 98 cent loaf of bread. I ran down the aisle and threw the loaf to my friend. We started playing this incredible game of bleacher catch until my buddy threw the loaf down a few aisle too far. The white bread promptly hit the white head of a tatted-out guy. (I don't know if you have ever been hit by bread, but generally it is during a joyous occasion like a food fight, or standing in the front row of hot dog eating contest.) It was clear that this man had no joy, as he shot up in a roid-rage. He turned around threw the loaf of bread onto the field and screamed, "Who the hell hit me with processed wheat?" After his scary, yet accurate depiction of the events that had just transpired, we quickly exited the stadium. I escaped with my life, and that was the first time I pissed my pants due to bread.

Thanks for reading and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp

Whats Your Addiction?

Hello "Mind Readers," Wow, I am so excited about speaking my mind to you all once again. Lately I have been bound by the addicting chains of the show "Intervention." It's that show on A&E where families impose interventions upon other family members, to help them overcome addictions. My mom was watching a marathon of this show, when I started getting super hungry. I was like, "Mom I need to have an intervention with you about watching this show", but I didn't say any of that. I just remember sitting down in front of the TV and blacking-out. I came to several days later in a rehab center. I just got home, and I can't stop checking A&E to see if Intervention is on. Intervention addiction is a real problem if you wet your pants on the couch, start eating Doritos, or start talking to your TV .....you too may be addicted to Intervention. The above may be signs of a serious problem, and you should kick yourself in the face immediately.

Whats your addiction? I would probably say that my addiction right now has got to be the Internet. I spend most of my day online looking for work, blogging, surfing the net, watching videos, updating my YouTube page, etc. I feel like one of those fat people from the movie "Wally" who just sit in front of the computer screen and roll around in their motorized chairs. If I had a compartment for Ramen and a bedpan, I would be fine with never leaving my desk. I'm not the only one who is addicted to the computer though. We all know people who are addicted to updating their status on facebook. Jimmy just woke up. Jimmy is eating soup. Jimmy really needs to pee. What is your problem? Update, Justin wishes the poke button would turn into the choke button. Honestly, facebook status is there so you can share things that people might find interesting, care about, or might make them laugh. Sorry Jimmy, but no one cares about your bowel movements.

Another group of people that suck is people who are addicted to posting negative comments on other people's YouTube videos. For example there could be a video of a toddler dancing. I could watch all two minutes and 35 seconds of the video and find that there is a little more joy in my life. Until, I scroll down to the comments section and JimmyHead69 say: "You are the gayest baby ever." The jerk always has the most ignorant name too, like SemoreBoobs14 or EricBallPuncher33. Why are you so insistent on being cynical and tearing others down Semore? I could make a video of myself doing a triple backflip off the Empire State Building. After landing I could save a baby from drowning in a shark tank. Then to top it all off, I could spit out the greatest pickup line in History to Megan Fox, and start making out with her. JimmyHead69 would still say: "You is a HoMO!@*!" What a Hater your misuse of grammar and punctuations is extremely offensive. Why can't you haters be addicted to something cool like finding "The Lost City of Gold," or making the worlds largest crepe. I got a joke for you haters. What has no friends? Any person who's YouTube name combines a first name, a body part, and a random number. Yeah that's you ImaAss167, Heyooooooooo!

Thanks for reading. To entertain yourself until my next post, do yourself a favor and make an "Ace of Base playlist" on YouTube. You won't regret it, and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp