Apocalypse Now?

Hello Mind Readers,

Do you ever just feel anxious and you're not sure why? I'm sure it is just because I am the verge of some sort of greatness. On the other hand I can't help to think that it is because of the impending apocalypse. In reality, I take 2012 less seriously than the guy who was bumping NWA (Gangsta Rap for the gringos) in his car right before renting Puss n' Boots from the RedBox. Regardless of when the end of the world will be, it is still interesting to ponder.

Zombies apocalypse is at the top for ways I wish the world would/would't end. I had really vivid and horrifying dreams last night. Probably because I ate Flamin' Hot Cheetos and read Graphic Zombie Novels right before bed. (Don't get me started on the night I ate a ghost pepper and watched a documentary on the Wizard of Oz's Lollypop Guild. Lollypop Guild Video.) I like to think that if I was in a Zombie apocalypse situation, I would be the strong composed leader. Then I remembered I can't even walk up a dark staircase without thinking I'm about to get murdered by baby demons. I'm just not the cool composed type. Once I was snorkeling alone. All of a sudden, I saw this huge white creature following me closer then Justin Bieber groupie. After several minutes of panicked swimming and a snorkel full of water, I realized that the creature had been my knee. Yes, my knee. Please keep that between us. Along those same lines, I'm not really a fighter. In seventh grade I told a kid, "I have a match, my rear-end and your face!" He promptly punched me directly in the mouth. I instantly apologized: Hoping that would be the one and only time that I experienced fist to cranium contact. I have always been more of a smooth talker: A lover not a fighter. Unfortunately, zombies can not be intimidated or reasoned with. "Look bro you just don't want to do this. Don't come at me like that. My dad is a well know lawyer. Biting me repeatedly in the neck is the last thing you want to do." This type Daun Juan tomfoolery just does not work with Zombies.

From my last post you can see my hobbies will lead me to a life of solitude. I would loath being the last person on earth though. (Unless I was the last male on earth. All right, high fiving time.) It reminds me of the Twilight Zone story where the man is the last living soul. He has a plan to read peacefully for the rest of his existence. Unfortunately for him, like most losers who enjoy reading, he wears glasses. On like the first freaking day the dummy drops his glasses and they break. Lol (Thats why I thought myself to read braille.) He kind of deserved it though because he was way too excited to be the last person on earth. If I was the last person on earth, I would definitely pick a really cool hobby to impress the biddies. Oh wait... well at least I would pick something less lame then reading for eternity. A few things that come to mind include; crocheting teddy bear tea party scenes, becoming the ring master of a flea circus, or putting together a one-man reenactments of the musical Cats. (What, Meow?) It would also be kind of be cool to be the best in the world at everything. You could just grab a copy of Guinness Book of Word Records and cross every name out and replace it with your own. I've always wanted to be the Sexiest Man Alive, Ladies. Regardless, you would definitely have to do things you love to keep from going crazy. Screw it though, it would probably be more fun to be absolutely nuts. At least you would have some sort of Gollum vs Smeagol dynamic.

I sure don't hope or think that the world will end this year. It's not looking good though, Gigli 2, staring Snooki, has just started pre-production. Calm down, I am just kidding, can you imagine. What would you do if you were the last person on earth? Thanks for reading my Mind.

Where have I been?

Hello Mind Readers... I still think about you sometimes. Do I ever cross your mind? (Anytime Brian McKnight 1997) I am sure you are curious what I have been up to the past few months. Well lets get this started. This is my top five list of things I have not been doing, aside from writing in my blog.

1) Finding a girlfriend; My focus lately has really been more focused on my career. My career as a professional gamer. Believe it or not... being really good at SuperSmash Bros is not in most girls top ten desirable traits in the opposite sex. On the plus side I can beat DonkeyKong like 95% of the time with Kirby. Here is an example "Kirby team-up." In my quest to master retro video gamage, I have noticed that the worse the graphics, the more difficult the game. NES games are impossible, and do not get me started on Atari. It is more difficult for a man to beat the original NBA Jam then to open a cold jar of jam with wet hands. Honestly, when is the last time that Shawn Bradley stole the ball from Garry Payton and proceeded to hit the game winning three pointer? Never, that is when ladies, you know what I mean guys! (High Five) I finally remember why my childhood was so angry. #cheatingcomputers Let's get back to the original thought though. I have not been busy with a girlfriend, but it is so difficult to meet girls these days. The selection in my gaming man cave basement is very limited. In fact it is not existent. That is actually not funny at all:( I did try meeting a girl really hard yesterday. It was mostly a money decision. I figured if I started dating on February 29th I would only have to celebrate a anniversary once every four years. That would save me thousands on gifts over my lifetime so romantic.

2) Learning a second Language; Well that is not entirely true. I have been picking up key phrases in ordering food burritos. (Mostly from old Taco Bell commercials "Yo Quiero Taco Bell!") I love going to one of the Tri-Cites finest dining establishments Roberto's. While ordering I always end with "Gracias mi amor." Which according to my spanish speaking friends ruffly translates to "I appreciate your work, and thank you for taking my order." The lady behind the counter keeps calling me a "Gringo" which if I'm translating that correctly means "You're welcome sweetie." I'm not going to brag, but I'm quite the charmer with the Latinas. I compare myself to a white Ricky Martin or something.He seems to be pretty good with the ladies anyway. After all I am "Livin la Bebier's hot Coca."

3)Naked potato sack racing. (no photo)

4) Practicing internal medicine. Mostly because that would be highly illegal. However, I have mastered something nearly as difficult. I have become a helicopter pilot. Technically, they are miniature remote control helicopters. (I directed this movie with a british boy about it called "Flying Helis; And other Things that make me say Cheerio.") I know it isn't exactly as sexy as flying a real helicopter, but it is still pretty dangerous. If one of those blades hit you directly in the jugular, you probably would have a tiny bruise on your neck. Also, if selling cars doesn't pan-out, I can always get a seasonal job in the mall selling tiny aircrafts. Everything I do has purpose.

#cool

5) Doomsday Prepping. On the other hand, I have become a hoarder. I realize that my collections of belly button lint and cat hair will not getme very far in apocalypse, but who believes in that stuff. I mean I'm not crazy! Hahahah.

Thanks for reading my Mind, Readers. Hit me up, and share a few things you have not been doing during the long winter months.

JHarp out