Scientific Observations of Drinking and Nudity

What up "Mind Readers?" Does it make me less of a man because I was bummed when I found out USA was playing 1998 Paul Newman and Susan Sarandon crime thriller Twilight instead of the 2008 vampire romance based off of Stephanie Meyers's critically acclaimed book. Don't answer that. Quickly change the subject, so do you like music? Anyways here is what is on my mind...

This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Eastern Washington University. The nature of my visit was primarily social, but I found time to do field research for this post at the local bars. Upon arrival, I noticed that large groups of twenty-year-olds spontaneously gather to consume alcohol. Further observation reviled that the excessive consumption of these alcoholic beverages tends to make wise men act like fools. A conversation about quantum physics could quickly turn into a fart joke with the addition of alcohol. Alcohol can have wide ranging effects on various participants. Symptoms rage from anger and the impulse to fight (i.e. the popular television series "The Real World," which I find to be a very misleading name) to an escalated state of happiness and an overwhelming impulse to touch others. These actions are only magnified with each additional beverage the individual chooses to drink. Furthermore, I found that participant who paced themselves and refrained from over indulgence were ninety percent less likely to embarrass themselves in front of their peers.

There are also physical traits that seem common among those who enjoy going to, as they called it, "Drunk City." The top five physical characteristics are as follows 1) Male 2) Scruffy facial hair 3) Backwards baseball cap 4) Muscles masked by a layer of fat 5) Loud and annoying vocal outbursts. These individuals come from the family of humanoids best classified as douche-bag maxi-pad-a-mus which stems from the Latin word for Buttmunch. Although these are common characteristics, any homosapien is capable of taking a wrong turn into "Drunk City" which in metaphorical terms seems similar to a visit to Compton in the early 1990's. After extensive research, my advice for those who choose to "drink," in order to avoid decisions you may later regret drink responsibly. By acting accordingly one can safely stay within the suburbs of "Buzzed Town" and avoid any dangerous trips to "Drunk City."

A related subject that I have made observations upon in the past is nudity. Nudity is a very tricky subject because it's appropriateness is purely based on context. I will attempt to display the importance of context through several examples. Nudity can be funny or disgusting. The act of streaking among a group of peers is often times considered comical. Although I must voice this disclaimer, on two separate streaking experiments the presence of my bare gluteus maximus was deemed inappropriate by others involved in the experiment. A clear example of nudity being disgusting is doing the crab walk naked through a crowded mall. For clarity sake let me give you two more examples. Nudity can be cute or disgusting. If a baby is at the beach and a small dog pulls down his/her Pampers revealing a white buttux, it is considered cute. If an old man is in a locker room and decides to walk around without a towel exposing his especially wrinkly parts, it is considered disgusting.

I understand that the decision to expose yourself to the elements can be a tricky and hairy decision. Therefore here are three simple question you should ask yourself before dispelling any ones "unsolved mysteries" about what the stork saw. 1) Who is watching and will they enjoy the presence of new body parts? 2) Would I do this in a sane state of mind? 3) If I need to run will I be able to comfortably do so? If the answer is yes to all of these questions feel free to let it all hangout.

Thank you for reading my mind. Sorry, about the delay in posts. Finally, remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp