Today I had the privilege of going on a cinematic journey as I watched, "The Book of Eli." However, my adventure was far from perfect. You are are about to travel through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into the wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone, I mean J Harp's mind... (Do do do doo, do do do do)
I promptly arrived at the theater 30 minute early to insure the acquisition of the perfect seat. You know the one behind the handicap row with the railing in front. I sat there to guarantee that a Yao Ming sized patron with a South Park cranium would not sit in my sight line. In these seats I'm also able to put my feet up until the usher comes in. At that point I quickly pretend like I'm merely crossing my legs. Once at my seat, I started playing the game of "This Seat is Taken." To play this game I pretend like I'm saving a seat for a friend that is running fashionably late. I continued playing this game until I saw a group of dime piece biddies walk into the theater. Suddenly my make believe friend canceled our plans, and I promptly removed my coat from the seat. My hope was that these young ladies would noticed the opening in my prime seating area. Unfortunately, at that very moment a haggard old lady and her husband swooped upon the seats. I had no time to resume my game of phantom reservations.
As soon as these events transpired, I knew that I might as well have been watching the movie in a nursery full of crack babies. This old lady had the faint sent of urine. This would later explain her obvious weak battler and frequent trips to the bathroom. As she started conversing with her husband, I noticed her voice and laugh precisely mimicked that of Fran Drescher from "The Nanny" circa 93. Never has anyone assaulted all five of my senses in such a short amount of time. Luckily for me, she also decided to do a running commentary of the entire movie. Her intuitive insight led me to believe that she was the John Madden of movie theater play-by-plays. At one point the main character bumped into and old sheet, and she said, "Wow, dust." Thank you Nostradamus. To top it all off, she had the "Man vs. Food" sized bag o' popcorn. The bag must have been made of rain sticks because every time she reached inside I thought I was in the middle of buttery thunderstorm. I literally was having trouble hearing the explosion scenes. Finally, I blacked out from my pent-up frustration, and woke up during the credits with no idea what had happened.
The movie theater, another one of the worlds cruel jokes. Thanks again for reading, and I hope you come back to read my next post. I think I will be about why BIG people love "The Biggest Loser" and giving health advice.
Love you all and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.
JHarp
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