Pet Peeves and Man Periods

Yo what up my "Mind Readers?" Hope you are having a good weekend. People keep asking me about "The Nick," and aside from being very visible, it is healing nicely. I have avoided going out in order to dodge awkward explanations about my face wound. I did chill with Chris Brown at the mall though. I figured I wouldn't have to explain my facial lacerations walking next to him. Anyway enough about my lackluster physical appearance, here is what is on my mind...

I don't know if I'm on my man period or what, but little things have been really irritating me lately. That is why I wanted to talk about my pet peeves. You know the little things that don't bother normal people. If you mention these things though, people start questioning if you are the Zodiac Killer. First pet peeve is pet pee. I have had multiple days ruined by pet pee. Exhibit A, I had just bought a brand new pair of basketball shoes, and I went over to my friends house. He had one of those stupid "Please take your shoes off. We think we are Haywain because we went there once," stickers on the door. I decided to be polite and honor the families requests. A few hours later I returned to my shoes to find that they were saturated in cat pee pee. I mean that cat must have been collecting its urine in a vat for a special occasion, and that occasion presented itself upon the arrival of my new kicks. The cat must have been drinking Red Bull all day (You know how when you drink Red Bull, and you instantly get a wet spot in your pants because you have to pee so bad.) Sorry one more, there was enough cat pee for Bear Grylls to survive several days in the Sahara without water. Needless to say, I was "pissed." I was also involved in a similar situation, but it had a twist. I scared a dog at my friend Evans house, and he (the dog) just let loose all over the carpet. I would have been angry, but the dog licked all of his own pee up. It was awesome.

I would have to say my number one pet peeve of all time is when people make noises in situations that should be quiet. The main reason for that is probably because I am distracted very easily. Wait one sec I just got poked on Facebook........... Oh ok sorry. I alluded to it in a previous post, but a prime time for me to be peeved is at the movie theater. I recently went to see "Avatar" and the theater was pretty empty. Luckily, a man with small children decided to sit in front of me with a Man vs. Food bag o'popcorn. I didn't recognize them as they walked in, but it turned out to be Cap'N Crunch and his crunch berry children. Those little jerks were chewing with their mouths open the entire movie. In retrospect they may have been eating a bag of jawbreakers. It was so loud that I have no idea what the movie was about. I think it was about hot smurfs, but I'm not exactly sure.

Another time people like to disturb my peace is at the library. I was recently at the "libs" doing some research to see if the compelling story of "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeaqle" was indeed based on a true events. The evidence was inconclusive. Like most situations that call for quiet, I chose a spot were I was secluded from human contact. It doesn't matter where I go, the loudest most inconsiderate person will find and pick the seat right beside me. I could find a table in the back of the building next to "MC Hammers: Finances Made Easy" and "that person" would still find me. It is always a guy with a 1st generation iPod, and he doesn't realize that he can turn off that clicking sound that plays out loud, even with headphones on. So they scroll through their 8 billion gigs of songs and it sounds like someone is playing Wheel of Fortune in your head. A half hour later they finally decide on a song. They end up picking an outdated and annoying artist like Hoobastank (that's just fun to say Hoobastank.) For some reason his earphones never work well so it sounds more like the megaphone at an abortion rally. I have to sit there and listen to "Roxane" on repeat, and then I get really mad because I start singing along (You Don't Have to Wear that Dress Tonight.) Now an hour has passed, the storm has settled and they whip out a Snickers Bar. The packaging seems to made of some sort of space shuttle siding because he can never figure out how open it. He keeps fiddling with it like a slow person trying to work his zipper at the urinal. Two hours have passed and the Snickers Bar crisis has reminded me that I am starving. At this point I am forced to abort the mission. Hopefully tomorrow will not be full of pet peeves.


That is all for today. Thanks again for reading. I love you all and remember the world is laughing at you so you better laugh back.

JHarp